How to have a good sex life

Openness, Acceptance and Love - how to have a good sex life

We need to feel loved. In marriage we also need to feel and know that we are not going to be rejected. This is at the very core of the marriage experience: to feel safe without the fear of being rejected. Rejection is the greatest fear that man has.

Imagine a man saying to her wife that he wants to try anal sex with her, and her responding with "don't you dare say that or I'll divorce you!". In this example she is really saying three things: her body does not belong to her (thus violating 1Cor 7:4 [1]), that she is rejecting him on a certain level and is prepared to reject him on an even deeper level (violating Mal 2:16) and finally that she is not under his leadership, but rather decides for her self (violating Ephesians 5:22 [2]).

The key to a happy marriage and happy marital sex is to allow ANYTHING to be openly discussed without the fear or ridicule or rejection. You should consider your spouse's thoughts to be your own: if she says she wants oral sex, imagine it was you having that thought. Or if he mentions oral sex or anal sex, imagine they are your thoughts. How would you react if you had an idea like that: you would probably research the topic and feed your curiosity, perhaps coming to a point where you want to try something like that.

Now the point is not "trying it out", but that you can freely express your thoughts and feelings with your partner. My experience has been that after years of learning to freely talk with my spouse about sexual fantasies and trying out many things with her, I can have regular vaginal sex with nothing kinky going on, knowing that if I DID ask for those things, it would not be  a problem: I have established that I will not experience rejection in this relationship.

A man will probably want to try scandalous things like anal sex, for the purpose of finding out if she is really his wife and that her body really belongs to him as in [1]. Once it has been tested and tried, he will be content and will most likely not want to constantly do it again. At least this was the case with me.

Over the years I have become fully confident that there is no thought in this area that I can't express to my wife without fear of rejection. That does not mean that everything needs to be tried, but it does mean that you two are on the same team, tackling life's questions together, not as competitors in holding everything back.

Married couples are not supposed to hold back from each other: you are supposed to share your previous sexual history (which unfortunately most of us have to one degree or another), share your passing sexual fantasies etc.

My experience has also been that the special protection of God causes everything that is disclosed within marriage to lose its wrong hold on you. For example: I was interested in porn and would sometimes watch it. I showed my wife the things in porn that I find exciting, and suddenly it stopped having the same power over me. That area of my sexuality became OUR common knowledge and thus another part of my sexuality was brought inside the marriage rather than staying outside it. And God does the rest, believe me.

There is a very special and powerful protection in marriage. Anything that you do within marriage that isn't good for you, will lose its power and will start to feel silly and unneeded. We actually tried to have sex with porn playing, but I lost my erection, which was totally unheard of! Usually when watching porn I would have super strong erections and orgasms, and with my wife too. I hopefully don't have to tell you that lustfully looking at another person is wrong, but this is the most extreme example of how I've seen God's protection working in my life.

Now don't take the above as a license for sin (don't continue watching porn), but please do tell your spouse all about your porn obsession, and the specifics of what in porn turns you on. It will bring you two closer to each other and will let her learn more about you. And same goes the other way around of course.

[1] 1Cor 7:3 ESV For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

[2] Eph 5:22 ESV Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

[3] Mal 2:16 KJV  For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the Lord of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.